Zabuzasensei
by Kuro
Summary: A strangeslightlymaybekinda AU—Zabuza is called into Konoha to become a ninjaintraining teacher. Can he survive a week with Haku’s help? Or is he helping...? Is he helping a certain blond to plot against Zabuza? Rated for swearing
1. Attendance

GUUUUUESSSSSSSSS WHAT!!!!!! That's right, the annoying girl that brought you Kakashi and the Packing, and Sasuke's Snow Problem and let's not forget—Throwing Sanity into the Wind is BACK with yet another strange demented humor fic!!   
  
I apologize to **kashisenshey** right now. Mostly because this doesn't involving Sakura bashing. ;; If you read this, I shall incorporate as much damage to ALL of them as possible.   
  
**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto damnit. If I did, Sasuke would be DEAD!!   
  
--   
  
Zabuza-Sensei   
  
Chapter 1: Attendance**   
  
--   
  
A man with a headband tied sideways on his head, and bandages tied around the lower part of his face marched and pouted... which looked more like an evil dog chewing on shoes... as he walked through the halls to get to a classroom, a boy with long hair trailing behind him.   
  
"Zabuza-san," the boy insisted, he looked to be around 7. "It won't be that bad!"   
  
"Shut it Haku, I don't want to listen to your reasoning's—no matter how reasonable they are," the man snarled. The boy drew back a little while the man kept walking. The man stopped and sighed. "Come on Haku, we're already late!" Haku skipped merrily beside him.   
  
"You want to make a good impression! So you have to smile!" Haku instructed, Zabuza looked at him, and gave him the creepiest smile Haku had ever seen in his life—even though it was hidden behind the bandages. "Erm... forget it..." Haku sweat dropped slightly. Zabuza rolled his eyes and opened the newly attended to door.   
  
"So... shall we go scare some shillings?" Zabuza said slyly.   
  
"Oh please, let's," Haku said dryly. For a 7 year old girl-look-alike he certainly had an attitude. Zabuza wandered into the room to see it in mass chaos. Haku made a small, but cute, noise and hid behind Zabuza, while the latter gave a compulsive twitch.   
  
"**IN YOUR SEATS!!!**" even the paper airplanes dropped instantly to the floor. The children in the room, two years younger than Haku, scrambled to their seats. "Very good shillings—I mean children," Zabuza corrected. They all stared at him. Zabuza coughed and walked to the front of the room.   
  
"Right so, I'll be taking your brats attendance to start," Zabuza said. "When I call your names say '_I'm here Zabuza-sensei please don't kill me._'"   
  
"Or you can just say '_Here_'," Haku stated happily. Zabuza glared at Haku and looked down at the list in front of him.   
  
"Aburame Shino," Zabuza waited a few minutes then looked up. A small boy with sunglasses and a trench coat was holding up his hand. "Damn it! Say something!" He twitched.   
  
"Ah... Shino-san, could you say _here_ before Zabuza-san blows a gasket?" Haku asked the boy. Shino frowned and shook his head. Haku glanced at Zabuza, who was twitching uncontrollably and would probably explode soon. "Ah, never mind. Zabuza-san, please remember the calming exercises..."   
  
"Calming..." Zabuza breathed in and out through his nose, and was calm again. "Akimichi Chouji."   
  
"M'm merefup," another boy said, his mouthful of chips.   
  
"NO EATING IN MY CLASS ROOM!!" Zabuza exploded at the poor 5 year old. His eyes became all watery and he looked absolutely adorable!! Except Zabuza thought he was fat and ugly. "Curse you children of Konoha..."   
  
"Ah... Zabuza-san, please stop scaring the children!!" Haku squeaked unhappily. Zabuza looked down at his cute little assistant-like-thing and almost melted—almost. I mean, he is evil and all.   
  
"Fine, fine," he said dismissively. "Only because you asked so nicely Haku." Haku smiled. "Haruno Sakura?"   
  
"Here," said a pink haired girl. Zabuza stared at her for a few minutes. Her hair _insulted_ his very being!! IT WAS PINK!!   
  
"Hyuuga Hinata," he began again gruffly.   
  
"Huh-here, Zabuza-san," a young girl squeaked in fear. Zabuza glared at her, just because he felt like it. Hinata sank in her seat and covered her head.   
  
"Ah, how I love to scare children in the morning," Zabuza hummed to himself before continuing. "Inuzuka Kiba?"   
  
"HEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRREEE!!!" a boy with a dog on his head yelled. The puppy barked. "Akamaru's here too," he said happily, ignoring the evilly evil glare he was receiving from Zabuza.   
  
"Ah... Zabuza-san," Haku said timidly.   
  
"Nara Shikamaru," Zabuza called out, ignoring Haku. Waiting a few moments he glared at all the children. "NARA SHIKAMARU!!" a small snore came to his ears and Zabuza gave a compulsive twitch. Calmly he picked up the desk, and prepared himself to throw it.   
  
"AHHHHH!!!! ZABUZA-SAN!!! WAIT!! PLEASE DON'T THROW A DESK AT HIM!!" Haku shouted lunging and clinging to Zabuza's arm. Zabuza thought for a moment, and replaced the table on the ground.   
  
"You're right Haku, chalk eraser's hurt more," Zabuza said, picking up said object and throwing it at the sleeping boy, who woke with a start.   
  
"I would say ow, but it's too troublesome," muttered the boy, rubbing where the projectile had hit his head.   
  
"I should assume you're Nara Shikamaru?" Zabuza asked, almost calmly.   
  
"Uh... yeah..." said the pineapple-head-shaped boy.   
  
"Good." Zabuza made a mental note to throw more objects at him. "Uchiha Sasuke?"   
  
"Here," said a cheerful young boy, waving his hand around. Zabuza made another mental note to crush his spirits.   
  
"Uzumaki Naruto?" Zabuza suddenly regretted saying that name.   
  
"**I'M HEEEEEEERRRRRRREEEEEEE**!!!!!!!!!" a blond boy shouted, dancing up on top his desk and flailing his arms around.   
  
"Where the fuck did your energy come from?" Zabuza asked the boy.   
  
"I don't know!! What's fuck mean?" Naruto asked, a huge smile on his face, but looking extremely cute and clueless. Let's all "Aww" now. Aww....   
  
"Look it up in the dictionary, kid," Zabuza sweat dropped. Receiving a cute little glare from Haku that wasn't scary nor evil at all. Zabuza coughed and continued. "Yamanaka Ino?"   
  
"Here!" a small blond girl called. Sakura, who sat right beside her turned to her.   
  
"INO-CHAN!! You're _last_ on the list!!" the pink haired girl gasped. Ino gasped too.   
  
"That's HORRIBLE!" Ino said, like it was a death sentence. With that, the two started crying.   
  
"This... could be a long week..." Zabuza sighed as the classroom returned to mass chaos. "**YOU BRATS!! WHO SAID YOU COULD MOVE?!**"   
  
--   
  
Wouldn't this be so adorable to watch?!   
  
Okay, this only took me three months to write cough And it'll be a LONG time before any new chapter for it will come out ((my cousin is here, and I just started high school...)) but I shall write—from the people FOR THE PEOPLE!!   
  
o.o And I shall skiddattle now... IN MY PIRATE COAT!!   
  
. . . Can anyone explain why chalk erasers hurt more than desks? 


	2. Post and Pre Lesson

After about... what? 3 months... I'm updating again. o.o Simply because I'm lazy. Enjoy ma home fries xD (erm... don't ask... I'm just... weird...)   
  
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!   
  
Poor Zabuza, this is a freaky Halloween for him.   
  
**Chapter 2: Post and Pre lesson**   
  
---   
  
It had been a long first day for the new teacher, and he was damned unhappy.   
  
"Cheer up Zabuza-san!!" his cheerful 7-ish year old "assistant" told him... cheerfully. "It's not like it's interrupting your plot to take over Land o' Mist, you need the money." Zabuza hated to admit it, but the kid was right. Was the damned brat ever wrong?!   
  
"You're right Haku," Zabuza sighed.   
  
"Am I ever wrong?" Haku asked innocently.   
  
"Don't push me right now Haku, or your hair is going DOWN THE DRAIN!" Haku gasped.   
  
"NOT MY LIFE!!"   
  
"Excuse me?" Zabuza asked, very surprised.   
  
"My hair is my LIFE SOURCE!!" Haku exclaimed as he began to lead the way home. "So, what are you going to teach tomorrow?" Zabuza paused, and whipped out his plan that the previous teacher had left.   
  
"Umm... reviewing hand seals. Wow, that basic?" Zabuza scrunched his nose, making him appear to be like a horse with rabies and mad cow. It made some babies cry. "Damned babies..."   
  
"Ah... not all children are as advanced as me," Haku pointed out, smiling and making all the babies go " goo...."   
  
"Ah hahaha, the babes like you Haku," Zabuza snickered evilly.   
  
"Gee, that's nice Zabuza-san. Glad to see you can point out the obvious," Haku stated sarcastically, earning himself a glare from Zabuza.   
  
"I hate when you have attitude."   
  
"I hate when you scare babies."   
  
"We're even?"   
  
"Not really, but whatever."   
  
--   
  
The next day, when Zabuza entered the classroom with Haku (who had tied up his hair after being threatened to have it cut off more than twice) to see the classroom in... shock.   
  
"WHAT DID YOU FUCK HEADS DO?!" Zabuza gaped. The children had some how... painted the walls neon colors and had written... very vulgar words on the walls.   
  
"Didn't you know Zabuza-sensei?" asked the annoyingly pink haired girl looking up at him with her... huge... green... AHHH!!   
  
"Know what?" Zabuza asked, staring at her in the way you would someone who has something very disgusting in their teeth.   
  
"That Naruto is a HUGGE prankster!!" Ino added her two cents. Not that her parents trust her with money yet or anything.   
  
"Funny, huge with two 'g's is in the dictionary... I MEAN!! No I didn't know that actually... NARUTO!!" Zabuza hollered at the spiky blond in the corner.   
  
"Yeah...?" Naruto asked.   
  
"Did you do all this yourself?" Zabuza asked.   
  
"Of course!!" Naruto said—very proud of himself.   
  
"How could you?!" Haku asked. "I mean, these poor other children!!"   
  
"Zabuza-sensei... my mom says I'm not allowed to read things like this..." said Sasuke, looking all cute like. Earning himself to be ignored by both Haku and Zabuza.   
  
"I don't know Haku," Zabuza said, frowning. "This kid is pretty talented to have done this ALL by himself... He deserves bonus marks..."   
  
"But Zabuza-san!! That's not right!!" Haku frowned. "And not fair to the other students."   
  
"Since when was _I_ fair? After all, I am the bandit king!!" Zabuza laughed evilly.   
  
"No more Jing for you..." Haku sweat dropped.   
  
"Aww..." Zabuza hung his head. Both snapped promptly in their characters.   
  
"Zabuza-san... I think he should be punished," Haku said sternly.   
  
"Whatever. Uzumaki, clean the walls after school okay?" Zabuza said lazily. Naruto shrugged.   
  
"Mmkay," Naruto stated, and skipped away happily.   
  
"That's you punishment?" Haku frowned.   
  
". . . Actually I was gonna make the Uchiha kid clean the walls... but then you would have told me I was unfair," Zabuza admitted.   
  
"Depends on your reasoning," Haku looked thoughtful.   
  
"Because his cuteness over whelms me."   
  
"You always did hate cute things..."   
  
"Except you Haku!"   
  
"... I'll pretend I didn't hear that..." both stood there for a second then shrugged.   
  
"ANYWAYS!! CHILLENS!" Zabuza clapped his hands all designer-like. The children immediately ran to their seats and smiled at the scary man. Zabuza twitched. "Today you're learning your hand seals. What can these seals be used for now?" A bubble with ". . ." appeared above the children. Zabuza looked at them like they were morons. Which on more than one level, they were.   
  
"I don't think they know," Haku stated.   
  
"Fuck off," Zabuza growled. "They're used for JUTSU's. You know what those are right?" Sakura raised her petite hand.   
  
"OH OH!!" she waved it frantically. Sasuke also raised his hand. Zabuza ignored both of them.   
  
"Uhm... Uzumaki," Zabuza snapped. Naruto looked at the man, looking vaguely like he was stoned.   
  
"Uh-huh?" Naruto asked. He was still slightly mesmerized by the walls.   
  
". . . right..." Zabuza twitched slightly again.   
  
"Sakura-chan, would you answer the question please?" Haku asked the girl politely. She looked overjoyed.   
  
"A jutsu is a technique! There are three different types of jutsus, genjutsu, taijutsu and ninjutsu. Ninja's use all of these," Sakura stated happily.   
  
"Oh! Sakura's so smart!" Ino clapped.   
  
"Ino-chan's smart too!! She just doesn't know it!" Sakura told her friend.   
  
"How heart felt. Mind shutting up?" Zabuza asked. Haku frowned. Zabuza really was upsetting him. "Right... so a jutsu is a technique. An explain of this is ass kicking no jutsu." Naruto waved his hand frantically. "What?"   
  
"Is that a jutsu you'll teach us?" Naruto asked excitedly.   
  
"Well I could but--" Zabuza caught Haku in the corner of his eye. "—I'm not allowed to!" Naruto sighed unhappily.   
  
"This is gonna be boring then..." Naruto pouted.   
  
"Energetic tykes," Haku chuckled warmly. Zabuza gave him a weird look.   
  
"Dude, you're... like... the same age," Zabuza pointed out.   
  
". . . I hate you."   
  
--;;;   
  
laughing like an insane psycho   
  
Eliza plushie: blinks sloooowwwllly   
  
Faust Plu.: Eliza wants to know why you're laughing.   
  
nn Simple my dear Fist-face! It's because... well... erm... IT'S HALLOWEEN!! I GET TO STEAL MY SISTERS CANDYYY!!!   
  
Faust plu.: n0n!   
  
Minna-san, I wrote this while listening to Bowling for Soup **shameless plug**   
  
_Reviews_   
  
**Irukapooka**: Erm... was it soon enough? n.n;; I have uber loads of fun writing this!! I love torturing people!   
  
**KakashiLvr**: Yeah!! I'd love to be in that class! Hmm... you're probably right about the erasers... damn them.. being easier to throw...   
  
**Magicians of the Yami**: Seriously? Well, I'm glad you read this then!   
  
**HaMsAe**: YAY! I'm glad you liked it!   
  
**Lauren K**: Oh my... o.o;; During an English lecture? I'm honored you would read my fic during school.   
  
**Eclipse-chan**: I'm doing chemistry during science... --;; My teacher says I'm not allowed to blow things up yet. I have to wait till next year sigh Ah, I do all my homework at school. Because... I'm weird... and what else am I supposed to do during a 75 minute lunch?! Anyways, hope you enjoy this chapter too!!   
  
**saria almasy albatou kinneas**: o.o I think Zabuza should give you an A   
  
**Wind Wanderer**: You're wise beyond your years aren't you?   
  
**hiddenicenin**: Ayah!! Everyone should have a teacher like Zabuza... I think I have one. Except he keeps telling us he's gonna choke slam us into desks. It's amusing in its own right.   
  
**Jay-Chan3**: A field trip eh? Thanks for the idea!! Yeah, Iruka would be a bit young neh? Probably just taking his chuunin exam. 'Course he'll probably come up somewhere in this fic. Ugh, don't remember me of evil!sasuke right now... evil bastard... gonna eat his children... ITACHI WAS FRAMMMMEEEDDD!!   
  
**azure orbis**: lmao, I'm glad you enjoy my demented humor! Believe me, I have some pretty strange ideas brewing (mmm... beer... wait.. I hate beer... mm... coke...) in this little head of mine. (You know, the one lacking a brain?) Although, Haku will have his share of adventures... >D I guess reviews don't need more than laughter. But laughter makes me laugh.   
  
Strangely, "HUGGE" is in my dictionary. Oo I was rather afraid. 


	3. There is no tea

Zabuza stalked angrily through the hallways. Anyone who gave a damn to keep their heads and other various body parts was wise to stay _very far away_. This included Haku.

Of course, there were those few that did not take heed of his warning stomps. One such perpetrator was a man everyone knows quite well. A man that goes by the name 'Hatake Kakashi', a man that was currently walking through the halls of the academy reading porn.

Zabuza had left the class with Haku, way too pissed off and unable to stand those annoying brats any longer. He had _tried_ to teach them hand seals… only… luck was not on his side. The classroom was complete mayhem and just about the only good thing that came out of it was that Sasuke got his spirits crushed by Naruto. Naruto had successfully failed at doing anything productive, and thus had dumped a desk on Sasuke's head. It was worth it to watch the brat cry.

Haku wasn't pleased of course.

Zabuza did not give a flying rhinos behind.

However, Sakura's smart-assed attitude managed to piss him off even more… She was the only one to _get_ it. But her hair was so _offensive_ that it was hard to be proud of her… at all.

All in all, Zabuza's day was not shaping out well. And his next encounter would not help, not one bit.

It should have been just a simple passing by in the hallway. But we're talking about Zabuza and Kakashi here; _nothing _is simple with these two.

Now, Kakashi was walking down the hallway _minding _his own business when Zabuza banged into him. Amazed, Kakashi stopped in his tracks. _How_ could someone be so rude! _Especially_ to him!

"Excuse me," Kakashi said sternly, and by sternly I mean lazily. "I do believe you owe me an apology."

"Why yes good sir, I do believe I do as well," Zabuza replied, pausing in his tracks. "I am quite sorry for my behavior. You see, I've been having such a dreadful day."

"That's quite alright old chap, why don't we have a nice cup of tea and discuss this like gentlemen?" Kakashi inquired kindly. Zabuza turned to face Kakashi.

"Oh, that would be wonderful, dear sir. Thank you for the offer," Zabuza replied and the two walked merrily to the teachers lounge to have a nice pot of tea.

… And by all that, I mean Kakashi told Zabuza to apologize, and Zabuza turned around and bitch slapped Kakashi.

"Well, that wasn't very nice," Kakashi commented unhappily. Unhappy because he had dropped his book.

"I know," Zabuza rolled his eyes and then glaring down at Kakashi. "That's why I did it." Kakashi stood up slowly and brushed himself off, before looking at Zabuza again.

"HEY! Don't I know you?" Kakashi asked in the same way an annoying "buddy" from high school would.

"No," Zabuza replied, much like an annoyed person who _did_ actually know the annoying "buddy" from high school trying to quickly get away.

"No, I really think I know you," Kakashi continues.

"No."

"But aren't you--?"

"No."

"But I--!"

"No."

"And you--!"

"No."

"Will you--?"

"No I will not."

"How do you know--?"

"Magic."

By this time Zabuza was ready to _kill_ Kakashi. Oh yes… just bitch slap that sucker into next Tuesday. However, he restrained himself.

"Honestly, I thought—!" Kakashi was once again cut off.

"Honestly, I don't give a flying fuck if you think with your _feet_ just get out of my _goddamned_ sight," Zabuza hissed dangerously. Actually, someone did walk by and stick a sign on the air in which the hiss was put into and labeled it dangerous… It was later taken to a lab to be studied as nobody quite understood how a hiss could be dangerous.

"That must be some bad breath you got there," Kakashi points out.

"Shut up," Zabuza told him. A thought suddenly appeared and danced in his mind for a few moments. Zabuza allowed himself to be amused by the dance before actually taking into account what this thought what. No, it was not Kakashi in drag doing the hula. The thought was _'Why the hell am I still standing here talking to this fuckhead?'_

Thus, Zabuza turned and continued to stalk down the hall in his angry fashion causing small children, cheese doodles, and cats to cry and taking down several small metropolises in the process.

The last thing Kakashi thought before turning back to his book was _'Wow, he has skillz.'_

AHHAHAHAHA! THAT'S RIGHT! I'VE RETURNED… Or something…

/ I'm sorry if it wasn't terribly funny… I've… RUN OUT OF CREATIVENESS. cries… or something


End file.
